Constantine

The tagline for the film is "Hell wants him. Heaven won't take him. Earth needs him." That about sums it up. Constantine is based on the comic book series Hellblazer about a man who has been literally to hell and back. Keanu Reeves was cast in this role because he was Neo in the Matrix. His character here, John Constantine, is very similar but more hardened and less unsure.

HELLO. I AM JOHN CONSTANTINE. I AM TOUGH AND GRITTY. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, PLEASE NOTE MY CIGARETTE, LIQUOR BOTTLE AND HAGGARD EXPRESSION.

Constantine is about a man who sends demons back to hell when they overstep their boundaries here. You see, while god and the devil can't directly interfere with matters on earth, the planet is full of half-breeds (Half man/demon or half man/half angel) and if these people start unleashing their demons and killing people, John Constantine finds them and kicks their asses.

Constantine isn't a bad movie. It isn't a good movie either. It is a sci-fi action films about angels and demons, heaven and hell; it comes with exactly everything you'd expect. Some one-liners and special effects, the character who is a skeptic and finds out The Truth, a few surprises and plot twists and roll credits. Keanu Reeves is adequate in this role; Rachel Weisz is a notch above him as the skeptic cop.

Chances are, if you want to see Constantine you will probably like it. Like I said, it isn't really bad it's just not original and surprising in any way. If watching Keanu Reeves battling demons and speaking platitudes about heaven and hell sounds like your thing, by all means go rent Contantine. If not, maybe not.

Contantine earns 2.5 wombats out of 4

Game Review: God of War

God of War
System: Playstation 2
Publisher: Sony
Released: 2005
Players: 1

For you impatient ones out there, here is a two word review for God of War:

Fucking Awesome.

For everyone else, here's a review:

Though gaming has seen its fair share of iconic characters, few have been real badasses. Mario, Sonic and Link have always had humorous, fun sides to them. Dante from the Devil May Cry series was, until recently, the coolest, most ass-kickingest video game character I'd ever played as. Kratos, the main character in God of War is the nastiest, cruelest, most intimidating game character I've ever seen. Dante had a tongue in cheek sort of sense of style and coolness to his act. Kratos fucks shit up with no pretenses. There's no swagger, no smirk, no taunting. Just blood, blood and more blood.

One of the scenes that makes God of War a classic: An epic battle with a hydra aboard a ship.

God of War is rated 'M' and with good reason. This game is on par with a very R rated film, definitely not for kids. It's truly a game for adults, much more so than Grand Theft Auto (cursing, lockerroom jokes and handguns don't make you a grownup.) GoW is definitely not for the squeamish, as you'll see blood spraying everywhere during cutscenes and gameplay. The game's excellent story puts the violence into context though. This is a game of battle and greek gods. Kratos is a spartan warrior who sold his soul to Ares, the God of War, in exchange for victory on the field of battle. As is typical in greek mythology, the price was higher than Kratos was willing to pay. This is a tale of a mortal's vengeance against a god. In his travels, Kratos will also meet up with Zeus, Posiedon, Athena and others.

Beat him to death with your bare hands? Tear him in half? Ram your sword through his chest? Decisions, decisions....

You begin the game with little knowledge of Kratos, only that he is a heartless, bloodthirsty, vicious bastard. The game slowly feeds you Kratos' story through cutscenes. The story is powerful, the battle is exhilirating and the puzzles are well distributed. Kratos really feels like a one man army, and it's easy to get in character during the game. Walking into a room full of enemies and what should be overwhelming odds, I was simply determined and confident that I'd tear every last one of them apart. The combat is fast and intense, and before long you'll be stringing together combos and tearing your foes apart with Kratos' Blades of Chaos - these were his 'gift' from Ares: twin blades at the end of chains which are soldered onto his flesh. Kratos can literally tear his foes in two.

The game starts out on a ship which is being attacked by a massive hydra. This first stage sets the tone for the game very well. Along the way you'll visit Athens, Hades and eventually the Temple of Pandora to retrieve Pandora's box. The temple was built by an architect who slaved for the gods and everntually went insane. Pandora's Box is the stuff of legend, and its retrieval is a suitably monumental task in the game. The game definitely has its share of memorable moments. The first time I laid eyes on Ares was one of those 'holy shit' moments for me. "I have to kill HIM?!?" Pandora's temple is chock full of traps, puzzles and general unpleasantness. One such area has Kratos running down a hallway while huge flaming boulders are rolling at him. My fiance' was cheering and gasping as I dodged the flaming rocks. It was like watching Indiana Jones or something.

Kratos handling crowd control.

The overall presentation of the game is splendid: from graphics to music to narration the game really has an epic feel to it. God of War is simply an incredible experience all around. A few of the jumping puzzles had me cursing a bit, but none of them were impossible. Some just took 10 or 15 tries. God of War is one of the finest action/adventure games ever made. Or a better way to put would be "Oh my fucking god, this game is awesome!"

4 big Kratos heads out of 4

Magnolia

HOLY FUCKING HELL.

I heard stories of how great this movie was. It sounded like my kind of movie - deep and meaningful, artfully done. It was directed by Paul Thomas Anderson who directed Punch Drunk Love. Mr X loves that guy.

Mistake #1: Expectations were high.

I haven't seen it until now because anytime I see it for sale, it's always more than $20. I bargain shop for my movies, and $20 is way too much to spend on a movie I've never seen. So when I found it on sale in the used section at Gamestop, I danced a jig and snagged it.

Mistake #2: Putting the disc in the DVD player.

Magnolia opens with some interesting little snippets about amazing coincidences throughout history, talking about how these things can't really be just coincidences. For example, it talks about a triple hanging in a small town named Greenberry Hill. The three contestants, guilty of murder, had the last names Green, Berry and Hill. Wacky shit. On to the movie. The movie consists of the stories of nine people whose lives are all in some way intertwined. There were two characters in the film I didn't hate. For me, this movie was little more than a long exercise in misery. The characters have terrible things happening to them. They ruin the lives of others. The fact that they were all intertwined didn't really impress me. There were no neat little revelations where I looked at the screen, nodded and said "Oh! That's the guy from the game show! It all makes sense now!"

The acting was great (especially Tom Cruise) but good god, the fucker is 3 hours long. I kept wondering where it was all going. Around the 2 hour mark, I started wishing death upon the characters. I started thinking "Ok. I hate these fucking people. Do I really care what happens to them?" As it turns out, it wasn't going anywhere. Hooray.

SPOILER:

So anyways, something big did happen near the end of the movie. But it didn't mean anything. It fucking rained frogs. Fucking frogs. Yes, I realize this is a phenomenon that really happens. That doesn't make it a solid way to tie a story together. Spontaneous combustion happens too. Raining frogs is quite nuts, and in most movies I'd be ok with it. I wanted some sort of resolution here though.

END SPOILER

This movie is supposed to be about forgiveness, not there was much forgiveness in the movie. Maybe it's supposed to be about fucking ugly and terrible life can be. Maybe it's true, but I don't need to watch 3 hours of it to remind me. So, this is me working on forgiveness for pt Anderson for making this movie, and forgiveness for the people who said it was the second coming. It was unique, which is good. But it was also shit, which is bad.

Christopher Guest is Nuts in a Can

He is.

Christopher Guest is a funny, funny man. The movies he is known best for are his "mockumentries." He had a hand in writing and directing some of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Most of these films have the same actors in common: Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Bob Balaban, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, Parker Posey and Fred Willard among others.

Shearer, Guest and McKean kick some ass as the band Spinal Tap.

First came This is Spinal Tap, a mock documentry about a second-rate hair band in the late seventies/early eighties. The film follows them on their American tour which is plagued by cancelled shows, bickering and in-fighting as well as a controversy about the album cover which winds up being released as an all black album with nothing at all printed on it. One of my favorite quotes from the movie in which band member Nigel contemplates the album cover: "It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black." This is a hilarious movie which invites the viewer to laugh with Spinal Tap and laugh at them as well.

Next up was Waiting for Guffman, a send up of a small town theatre production. Guest plays Corky St Clair, a highly gay man from New York who has the job of organizing and coordinating a production with a cast of misfits and comically untalented actors. There's a scene where Corky is alone in his apartment practicing a dance that was so funny I almost peed.

Did I mention that Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy are funny?

Best in Show is my favorite of the bunch. This film centers on the annual Mayfair dog show and an assortment of fucked up characters who are bringing their dogs for the competition. There's the gay couple, the other gay couple, the rambling hillbilly, the high-strung yuppie couple, the awkward man with two left feet and wife with the whorish past.

20 years later Shearer, Guest and McKean appear as The Folksmen.

The most recent movie is A Mighty Wind, the mock documentry about a folk reunion concert. This one's got a little more heart and less funny than the others but is a great movie just the same. Most, if not all, of these films are improvised by the cast. The songs written for the Spinal Tap and A Mighty Wind are very well written and performed, and these actors are quite simply damn talented people. Many of the laughs are of the subtle, tongue-in-cheek variety. This sort of comedy isn't for everyone, but these movies are fine, nuts entertainment for reasonable prices. I just learned that Guest and Co have another one in the works for 2006 called For your Consideration about actors filming a movie that learn that their performances are generating award-season buzz. Should be a goddamn hoot.