Being John Malkovich
I've become a fan of Charlie Kaufman's movies. He wrote Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, all of which are movies I love. I'm not sure why I waited so long to see Being John Malkovich, but I finally picked up the movie last night.
You broke my heart, John Cusack.
Craig (Cusack) plays an unemployed puppeteer who is married to Lotte (Diaz.) She's bland, inoffensive and uninteresting. She loves animals and they have a crappy apartment where chimps climb on the counters and parrots fly about shrieking, flapping and squawking. One day, Craig decides to get a filing job on the 7 1/2 floor of the nelson bungle building I think it was. While the rest of the building is normal, that floor is hidden and has low ceilings and strange employees. Anyways, at his new job Craig meets Maxine whom he instantly thinks is hot/falls in love with. Their conversations go something like this:
"I love you Maxine."
"You're pathetic. Go kill yourself."
"Gee, that's great. Will you have dinner with me?"
"God I'm so fucking hot. I hate you Craig."
The attraction is obvious. Anyways, one day Craig finds a little door in his office that leads into the brain of John Malkovich. When you enter it, you see through his eyes and feel what he feels for 15 minutes then you are dumped on the side of the road by the Jersey Turnpike. In a large nutshell: Craig wants to fuck Maxine. Lotte becomes Malkovich and decides she wants a sex change and is in love with Maxine. Maxine is a bitch who wants to make money off the whole thing and hates everyone who isn't her. Oh yeah, and she loves Lotte but only when Lotte is inside Malkovich.
After about half an hour, that sneaking little voice in my brain was whispering "Isn't there something - anything - else you could be doing right now?" Turn this shit off. Everybody wants to fuck everybody else and they all want or need to be in Malkovich's brain while they do it. This is a Couch movie. One hour in, Craig finds out that his wife and the object of his desire are screwing. Lotte comes home to find Craig with a gun. He throws her on the floor and starts screaming and the chimp is screaming too. This, for me, was The Point of No Return. The movie had sucked badly enough for long enough that there was no saving it. So I did the smart thing and shut the movie off. Let me finish the story for you on my own:
Bitch.
Craig shoots Lotte in the face. She's pathetic, stupid, and irritating and I hate her. He then goes to Taco Bell and orders a Nachos Bellgrande and a Mt Dew. He falls in love with the cashier when she is rude to him. Rather telling her he loves her, he accidently shoots her in the face instead. Craig is really sad and confused and horny but he decides not to shoot himself in the face yet. He goes to visit Maxine who he finds fucking some transvestite pig thing because hey, that's how she is. Craig shoots the transvestite pig thing in the face. He then says "Gosh, I love you Maxine" to which she replies "I'm a dirty bitch, Craig. Please fucking kill me." And he loves her so much he shoots her in the leg and throws her out the window to make her stop screaming (that's the plot twist.) He then shoots his own balls off because he doesn't deserve them. Rather than dying or shooting himself in the face, he goes through the little door and into Malkovich's brain. He finds Malkovich on a pirate ship. He and his crew are laying siege to Maine, pillaging and destroying as they go. Malkovich then sticks a drill in his brain thus killing himself and Craig as well freeing me from this fucking train wreck of a movie.
Being John Malkovich earns 1 star because I like Cusack and Malkovich.
With my Special Edition Alternate ending, it earns two stars.
You broke my heart, John Cusack.
Craig (Cusack) plays an unemployed puppeteer who is married to Lotte (Diaz.) She's bland, inoffensive and uninteresting. She loves animals and they have a crappy apartment where chimps climb on the counters and parrots fly about shrieking, flapping and squawking. One day, Craig decides to get a filing job on the 7 1/2 floor of the nelson bungle building I think it was. While the rest of the building is normal, that floor is hidden and has low ceilings and strange employees. Anyways, at his new job Craig meets Maxine whom he instantly thinks is hot/falls in love with. Their conversations go something like this:
"I love you Maxine."
"You're pathetic. Go kill yourself."
"Gee, that's great. Will you have dinner with me?"
"God I'm so fucking hot. I hate you Craig."
The attraction is obvious. Anyways, one day Craig finds a little door in his office that leads into the brain of John Malkovich. When you enter it, you see through his eyes and feel what he feels for 15 minutes then you are dumped on the side of the road by the Jersey Turnpike. In a large nutshell: Craig wants to fuck Maxine. Lotte becomes Malkovich and decides she wants a sex change and is in love with Maxine. Maxine is a bitch who wants to make money off the whole thing and hates everyone who isn't her. Oh yeah, and she loves Lotte but only when Lotte is inside Malkovich.
After about half an hour, that sneaking little voice in my brain was whispering "Isn't there something - anything - else you could be doing right now?" Turn this shit off. Everybody wants to fuck everybody else and they all want or need to be in Malkovich's brain while they do it. This is a Couch movie. One hour in, Craig finds out that his wife and the object of his desire are screwing. Lotte comes home to find Craig with a gun. He throws her on the floor and starts screaming and the chimp is screaming too. This, for me, was The Point of No Return. The movie had sucked badly enough for long enough that there was no saving it. So I did the smart thing and shut the movie off. Let me finish the story for you on my own:
Bitch.
Craig shoots Lotte in the face. She's pathetic, stupid, and irritating and I hate her. He then goes to Taco Bell and orders a Nachos Bellgrande and a Mt Dew. He falls in love with the cashier when she is rude to him. Rather telling her he loves her, he accidently shoots her in the face instead. Craig is really sad and confused and horny but he decides not to shoot himself in the face yet. He goes to visit Maxine who he finds fucking some transvestite pig thing because hey, that's how she is. Craig shoots the transvestite pig thing in the face. He then says "Gosh, I love you Maxine" to which she replies "I'm a dirty bitch, Craig. Please fucking kill me." And he loves her so much he shoots her in the leg and throws her out the window to make her stop screaming (that's the plot twist.) He then shoots his own balls off because he doesn't deserve them. Rather than dying or shooting himself in the face, he goes through the little door and into Malkovich's brain. He finds Malkovich on a pirate ship. He and his crew are laying siege to Maine, pillaging and destroying as they go. Malkovich then sticks a drill in his brain thus killing himself and Craig as well freeing me from this fucking train wreck of a movie.
Being John Malkovich earns 1 star because I like Cusack and Malkovich.
With my Special Edition Alternate ending, it earns two stars.
posted by Mr_Nuts at 12:01 AM
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